HOW TO DEAL WITH EMOTIONALLY EXPLOSIVE PEOPLE
HELPFUL TIPS and INSIGHT by Albert J. Bernstein, Ph.D.
“WHAT DO YOU FEEL when someone explodes into emotion? What happens inside you when another person bursts into tears, flies into a rage, or collapses into a writhing heap of formless anxiety? Do you feel frightened and want to run away? Do you feel concerned and want to help? Or do you feel irritated and wish the whole situation would just go away and leave you alone? If you’re like most people, you feel all of the above. And more. 
The world is full of walking time bombs who explode into sadness, anger, and fear. Fragile as they seem, they can still drag you into the middle of their outbursts, whether you want to be there or not. Getting enmeshed is the psychological term. You try things that would help a reasonable person calm down, only to discover that ‘reasoning’ just adds fuel to the explosion.
This is the BLAST ZONE. You’ve been there before, and you will be again.
Next time someone’s emotions blow up in your face, it can be different. This book will teach you how to stay calm, to think clearly amidst the sound and fury, and to understand the psychology of emotional explosions well enough to exert a little productive influence.” –page 4
BOOK REVIEW by Rev. LeighAnn Mycko
Indeed, Dr. Bernstein fully delivers what he promises in this book. I bought this book many years ago when I was in a serious relationship with an alcoholic. We got into some terrible fights—not physical—but emotional. Our arguments were so loud and ugly that they scared me, so I bought this book to help me cope with these unstable episodes. Little did I know, then, how this book would literally save my life later.
I would highly recommend that you read this book and prepare yourself with Albert’s disarming techniques. After all, this may be a human world, but humans are still animals and you never know when one might turn on you…..male or female. If we were ALL prepared to deal with other’s emotional outbursts gently, it could greatly reduce violence in our world.
“Sooner or later, somebody’s emotions will blow up in your face. When that happens, you’d better know to do.” ~~Albert Bernstein, Ph.D.
If someone you care about has temper problems, anxiety attacks, or bouts of depression that negatively affect their life and interfere with their happiness, this book can really help you understand what’s happening and help you to deal with it. I’ve never found another book that gives this much useful advice that actually WORKS!
WHAT ARE EMOTIONAL EXPLOSIONS?
1) Explosions come in a wide array of events and levels of intensity ranging from dangerous to annoying
2) Disorders may be different, but EXPLOSIONS ARE THE SAME
3) Explosions are FAST
4) Explosions are COMPLEX
5) Explosions are INTERACTIVE
6) Explosions are A FORM OF COMMUNICATION
7) Explosions are REPETITIOUS
8) Explosions FOLLOW PREDICTABLE PATTERNS
9) DEALING EFFECTIVELY WITH EXPLOSIONS IS AN UNNATURAL ACT
When dealing with a person that is having an emotional outburst, tiny moment-to-moment details are HUGELY IMPORTANT. What you SAY to these people make a big difference in the outcome. Saying the wrong thing or saying it in the wrong tone can snow-ball the episode out of your control….and quickly.
Many times this involves people you care about—family, friends, and co-workers. “The best way to protect yourself from harm and undue stress is by helping them. Bear in mind, however, that helping them seldom means giving in, or giving them everything they want when they want it. To deal with emotional explosions, you must be kind, caring, and courageous, but NOT NICE,” says Albert.
The hardest part is not allowing THEIR emotions to trigger YOUR emotions. Keeping your own head cool is the key. Although Dr. Bernstein goes into greater detail in his book, below are a few rules of thumb to remember when dealing with outbursts in general. This advice is assuming no one is bleeding or in need of CPR.
RULES OF THUMB WHEN DEALING WITH OUTBURSTS
1) THINK FIRST – stop and think about what’s going on and what you’re trying to accomplish. Explosions are interactive. When another person’s emergency alarm is going off, just being nearby will set yours off too. Try to keep in mind that even though it may feel like a life and death emergency, it’s not. Take a minute to stop and think. Don’t say anything yet.
2) CONSIDER THE ALTERNATIVES AND PICK ONE – do nothing until you have a plan. Consider the alternatives before saying or doing anything.
3) KNOW YOUR GOAL – your goal will depend on whether you are dealing with FEAR, ANGER, and/or SADNESS. Regardless, much of what you must say and do will go against your instincts and gut feelings, so practice makes perfect.
Albert gives different detailed steps to follow for emotional outbursts when dealing with FEAR, ANGER, and/or SADNESS, but in this article we’re going to focus on how to deal with ANGER, since this type has the most potential for causing physical harm.
Dr. Bernstein: “If you’re like most people, angry explosions are the hardest to handle because they’re most likely to activate your own fight or flight response. To deal effectively with anger, you have to look at the situation not from your own point of view, but from the point of view of the angry person……we need to understand what’s happening inside an explosively angry person. From the outside, explosions into anger appear sudden, but what you’re seeing is only the rapid expansion of the same cycle of rumination and escalating arousal that causes outbursts of fear and sadness. The outside behaviors are different, but the internal process is quite similar. It begins, as always, with the brain’s inability to distinguish between physical and psychological threat…a shot of adrenaline to brace him up for defending himself.”
Albert explains that explosive patterns are psychologically addictive because they make complex situations easier to understand. Basically, it provides the perfect way to rationalize our behavior, instead of correcting it, which makes it so utterly futile to try and convince an angry person that he or she is wrong (don’t ever go there).
Once strong emotions surface, we are all programmed to do a reality check with other people to see if they’re valid. If not with others, we do it inside our own heads. We list all the reasons for being angry, confirm our righteousness, and conclude that someone should pay. Once a temperamental person starts this sequence of internal repletion and escalation, it’s hard for him to stop. Understanding and recognizing the pattern of anger is the key to controlling your own emotions, so you can both avoid a bad scene.
HOW TO DEAL WITH ANGRY OUTBURSTS according to Albert J. Bernstein, Ph.D.
1) THINK FIRST: The most important thing you can do when faced with anger is to think before you speak. If you don’t know what to do, do nothing. They won’t get any angrier if you ask for a minute to consider the possibilities. Anger relies on immediate action to keep going. Slow the pace. Use every opportunity to break their rhythm. If you stop and think, it gives you an important edge. Angry people may be mean, but they are rarely smart. There’s a psychological reason for this: If you’re using the part of your brain that THINKS, and they are only using their primitive programming, you have them by about 50 IQ points. If you can’t win with odds like this, you ought not play. Above all else, make sure, however, that you know what winning means.
2) KNOW YOUR GOAL: Regardless of what your primitive brain centers tell you to the contrary, your goal is to calm them down. Until you accomplish that, there’s no point in discussing anything. People who are ranting or yelling CAN’T listen to reason, so there’s no point in trying to reason with them. Instead, get them to lower their volume, not by accusing them of yelling, but by asking SOFTLY for something unexpected that they’d be hard-pressed to refuse. At the instinctive level, they expect you to fight back or run away. Anything you do that doesn’t conform to that expectation will force them to use a higher brain center to evaluate it. THE WHOLE POINT IS TO TRICK THEM INTO THINKING. The techniques for defusing angry people are easy to learn….the only hard part is staying calm enough to use them. Remember: your goal determines your actions. You may be able to get them to calm down, but do not believe for an instant that you will ever get them to admit that they are wrong.
3) AVOID PROVOCATION: The last thing you want is for them to get angrier. This means that you’ll have to pay attention to your internal dialogue as well as theirs. Keep reminding yourself that your goal is to mollify them rather than to make their behavior conform to your standards. The fewer lines you have to draw in the sand, the better. If you are compelled by your standards to interrupt them if they begin cursing, there’s little chance this will calm them. If you must make an issue of their foul language, let them know that there’s something in it for them if they comply with your wishes. Say, “I’m willing to help, but not if you use profanity. If you want me to listen, please pay attention to how you talk to me.”
4) LISTEN: Emotional explosions are a form of communication. One way or another, you will hear what they have to say. They’ve been rehearsing it over and over in their mind, so you might as well get the performance out of the way as soon as possible. Listen quietly, and resist the impulse to correct their facts. The goal is to have them empty their head of the material they’ve been using to stay angry. Don’t give them anything new at this point, they will only misunderstand. Try to avoid answering questions. Angry people in the midst of their initial rant often ask things like, “How would you feel if someone robbed you?” If you say you’d be upset, they will take it as an admission, condoning their behavior. If you argue the point, you will only add fuel to the fire. You can’t win. It’s better to defer his questions with statements like, “What I feel isn’t important. I’m more concerned with what you feel.” Eventually, you will have to interrupt, or they will merely shift into an external version of the self-stroking they’ve been doing internally (obsessing and repeating). The time to make your move is when they start repeating themselves or ticking points off on their fingers. This is a sure sign that they are no longer talking to you but have gone back to fueling their internal fire. The best way to interrupt is by restating what they’ve been telling you.
5) ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR RIGHT TO BE ANGRY: Bear in mind that the tirade you’re hearing began as an attempt to answer the question, “Do I have a reason to be angry?” That question is still on the table, and you must answer it in the affirmative if you want the harangue to stop. This doesn’t mean that you agree with their interpretation, only that you affirm his RIGHT to be angry. Everyone has the right to be angry. Say something like, “I can see why you’d be UPSET over….” Do not use the word ANGRY or anger. Until you acknowledge their suffering, they will resist any attempt to end it. To most angry people, the validation is more important than having you solve the problem for them.
6) DO NOT EXPLAIN! To an angry person, explanations sound life, “Unless you’re really stupid, you’ll see that you have no cause to be angry at me when you’re the one who’s wrong.” Trying to convince an angry person that something isn’t your fault is worse than having it be your fault. Trust me on this.
7) ASK, “WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DO?” What could be more simple and more unexpected than asking them what they want you to do? They probably won’t know, so they’ll have to stop and THINK. This, at least, is what you want him to do. Some subtlety is required, especially if you’re irritated. If you put the emphasis in the sentence on LIKE or DO, it’s a question. If you put the emphasis on ME, it’s an insult. This approach makes sense because you really don’t know what they want. You never know. Even if you’re certain that they are trying to manipulate you, you should still ask them what they want. Getting an explosive person to ask for what he wants is a critical step. It moves the situation from an ambiguous display of emotion to a negotiation with a specific and stated goal. If they tell you what they want, they are making an implicit contract to be satisfied if they get it.
8) NEGOTIATE: With angry people you can be right or effective; take your pick. Nothing escalates an emotional situation faster than turning it into a struggle between right and wrong.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE??
“What are emotional explosions? Are they symptoms of disease or evidence of weakness? If explosions are symptoms, are the diseases physical or psychological? Are mental disorders hang-ups that people should work to overcome, or handicaps that require you to accommodate them?
The best answer is ALL THE ABOVE.
The problem is, none of us, experts included, is equipped to deal with this kind of complexity……The good news is that there are a lot of experts who have all the answers. The bad news is that the answers are all different…..Most of us prefer experts who tell us what we want to hear, rather than what we need to hear, so it makes sense to consider several sources before we make up our minds.”
One of the most common beliefs held by explosive people is that their outbursts are something that HAPPENS to them rather than something THEY DO. This belief contributes to them not taking responsibility for their behavior, leaving them feeling much like a victim.
To add to the complexity, emotional explosions are not just symptoms of personal disorder, they are COMPLEX SOCIAL INTERACTIONS. The battle for right and wrong is one of our biggest stumbling blocks in resolving emotional outbursts.
The most damage we do is when we mistake our ‘beliefs’ about how things ‘should be’ for how they actually ARE. Cognitive therapists know that it’s your OWN THOUGHTS, not other people’s actions, that make you angry. It’s the “SHOULD’VE” thoughts that get us trapped into the anger-build-up cycle in the first place. If you find yourself obsessing with thoughts that contain sentences like, “He should” or “She should” or “They should” you know you are in danger of temporarily lowering your IQ by 50 points!!
When you are angry an idiot can control you. What could be more logical than teaching people how they can use this knowledge to control their anger? Unfortunately, most angry people don’t understand themselves well enough to see anger as THEIR problem. They think it’s a natural reaction.
Therapy consists of two separate phases:
1) INSIGHT: clearly understanding the nature of the problem, how it works, and possibly where it comes from.
2) WORKING THROUGH: doing something about it.
Both phases are necessary; neither is sufficient by itself. They are merely different parts of the same elephant. The problem is that therapists tend to pay more attention to one or the other. Artist-types focus on insight, Scientist-types on working through. In the world of psychotherapy, artistic scientists who can help their clients clearly understand what’s wrong with them AND teach them what to do about it are as scarce as, say, normal childhoods.
These are just a few thoughts from Dr. Bernstein’s book, How to Deal with Emotionally Explosive People. It is packed with valuable insights and tools. His suggestions actually work…I KNOW I’ve tried them!
ASTROLOGY AND ANGER
As an astrologer, I have the advantage of knowing WHEN these angry outbursts are most likely to occur for a person. Ones’ MARS Transits tell-the-tale, particularly, when Transiting Mars conjuncts, squares, or opposes ones’ natal MOON. Mars is the God of War, while the Moon represents our Emotions.
Difficult aspects between Mars and the Moon can be explosive, but knowing WHEN they’re coming can provide one with a golden opportunity to CHANGE ones’ anger response patterns. They are the most challenging angry periods to overcome, but well worth the effort!
We ALL have these angry cycles. They hit us about 3-4 times per year, but not at the same time. We all have our own unique schedules or rhythms. I track mine and my husbands and we are on guard during the times that our angry periods OVERLAP. We are the most likely to have our biggest fights when our angry cycles overlap and we are NOT aware of it. But, when we KNOW we’re under the influence of these cycles, we can CHOOSE to utilize that energy in more constructive ways—and practice biting our tongues more often.
Some of these options include: strenuous workouts, physical play, washing windows, scrubbing floors, waxing our cars, etc. Basically, throwing our emotions (moon energy) into some sort of constructive physical exertion (mars energy).
PEACE be with you,
Rev. LeighAnn Mycko
67 Responses to “HOW TO DEAL WITH EMOTIONALLY EXPLOSIVE PEOPLE, by Albert J. Bernstein, Ph.D.”
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